In recent days, the story we all love is that of the San Francisco real estate broker who closed a $500,000 sale and has decided to “share” his good fortune with others by placing white envelopes of $20 and $100 bills in public places around the city with clues to their whereabouts on Twitter with just one request — pass the good fortune on. People are responding, finding the money, and passing it forward. The story put me in a good mood, so I’m sharing my favorite senior citizen humor.
At 89, Dick has a problem with his 2-story house — the stairs. Whenever he uses the stairway, Dick has to stop about halfway to catch his breath. He takes a moment to blow a kiss to a photo of his long-buried wife, Abby. Reinvigorated, Dick has another problem. He can’t remember if he’s going up the stairs or down.
Harry sat on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped to ask, “why are you crying?” He told me, “I’m 88 years old and my wife is 22. She rubs my back every morning, makes me pancakes, sausage, fruit and coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He added, “She makes homemade soup for lunch, cleans the house, then watches old movies with me all afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He went on, “Dinner is always gourmet with wine followed by my favorite dessert. Then we cuddle until the wee hours.”
I asked again, “Well then, why in the world are you crying?”
He replied, “I can’t remember where I live.”
Lucy is 75 and recently changed primary care physicians. After undergoing a long list of medical tests, she met with the doctor and asked, “Well, how am I doing?” The doctor replied, “fairly well for your age.” A bit concerned, Lucy asked, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”
Well, the doctor said, “Do you smoke or drink to excess?” “No,” Lucy answered.
“Do you enjoy a good steak and love barbeque?” the doctor asked. “No, I eat lean pork, chicken and fish and fresh
vegetables and fruit.”
“Do you spend hours in the sun playing golf, boating, hiking or bicycling?” he asked. “No, I wear sunscreen and a hat whenever I’m in the garden or outdoors.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have sex with multiple partners,” the doctor asked. “No, I don’t do any of those things!”
He looked at Lucy and said, “Then why do you want to live to be 90?”
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You decide humor is good for your body because exercise and diets haven’t worked well.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- You know more about prescription drugs than your pharmacist.
- You get great travel discounts if only you felt like traveling.
- People want to help with your daily money management needs (OK, we slipped this one in).
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Have a great day and hug a senior!